Brick Walls

So far this year….

I have applied for 21 full time jobs (and probably a few part times). I know the number because I keep the applications organized on my flash drive. Most of them take over an hour to complete and include things like, cover letters, reference lists, diversity statements and supplementary questions. I’ve applied in California, Colorado, Washington, Montana, Indiana, Nevada, Utah, and maybe some others that I have missed. I have done and redone my cover letter and resume, making adjustments on the advice of friends and colleagues. As of today I have had 0 interviews. All I seem to get is the same old email from the automated Human Resources system that says hey thanks, but no thanks. Sometimes it can feel like a glaring reminder that tells you that you are not good enough to even sit down and talk to for 10 minutes. Sigh. I feel like I’m just running my head over and over into a brick wall. Over and over, brick, wall, face.

I’ve been upset about it, frustrated, annoyed, deflated, and confused. You can’t imagine what this much rejection on the job front both externally and within a place you already work at can do to your self-esteem. I try not to take it personal and remind myself that I’m still pretty new in the game, and that it’s just a piece of paper they see not really you, and there’s so many applicants. And then there’s the sympathy I get from time to time… “Man’s rejection is god’s protection”… “Be patient and the right job will come along at the right time”… I know. I know. There are some bullets I’ve dodged, and I know there are places that I don’t belong and that would literally murder my soul if I worked there but I could just use some good news about something in terms of moving forward in my career?

Many days I just want to be a child about it, throw myself on the floor and beat my fists saying it’s just not fair!!!! It’s not like I’m applying to be a beer taster that makes 100K a year or something like that. I just want to be a real life full time librarian with 1 job and health insurance, working at a place that I like whose values align with my own where I can be creative and useful and contribute to growth in a positive direction. I guess maybe that is asking a lot? Something that may hinder me is my inability to be fake on some levels, but there’s got to be some sort of professional puzzle piece that fits with my personality and beliefs.

Either way during times like this, where I feel stuck in a life situation I always ask myself. What am I not seeing here? What have I not learned in order to level up? Certain things need to happen in the universe and internally inside me in order to unlock doors and make it to the next stage in my life and I know this. So either something is not lining up with me, or I’m just trying all of the wrong doors. Maybe I’m wrong to think that in life the right things will just, well, work. Do I even have a key with me, what is it made of? Even if I have one am I just trying the doors that can only open with a fingerprint scan? Are the doors even there or are they a figment of my imagination? Is there a world without doors I can create? It all gets very confusing at times and I think on this one I’m just going to have to surrender for now, accepting my temporary fate in the tech dungeon. (Because life is the most temporary thing).

 On the flip side, check out this Marlon Brando meme I just found. Sums up how I feel AND there’s a cat in it. Plus it’s kind of an inspirational palate cleanser to my feeling sorry for myself rant. Thanks interwebz!!! When I feel like this, I just remember that I was alive in the age of memes. And that helps a bit.



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