Today is day 8 on the current work streak, I feel like I’m losing it a bit. We are closed here at the U for Easter Weekend (Good Friday) included, and I am going on vacay for the next 10 days. I’m super stoked. I’m super excited, but excitement for me, leads to nervous energy, leads to bouts of anxiety.
I suffered a big one last night, and have a major emotional hangover today. Anxiety like this, to me, feels like going down a long staircase. You miss a step, and fumble a bit, grab the railing and gain your bearings. You think to yourself, good job self that was a close one. In congratulating yourself you miss another step, but this time, despite your best efforts grabbing out at the railing and thin air, you find nothing. You fail to regain your footing and start to tumble down and down and down, until finally you hit a hard numb floor which is the root of all your fears and obsessions. The top of the staircase is just the normal everyday things, like not being able to find rain boots. This is where it starts. Each step below the seemingly small problem goes deeper and deeper down into your psyche where all these demons live. I’m pressured, I have no time, I’m tired, this never ends, I grind my teeth in my sleep, I’m going to die alone, loans, bills, shitty job market, rejection, toil, my car windows don’t roll down anymore, will anybody ever love me, is the cat going to die, and finally, the best one: What the fuck is wrong with me and how do I stop it? It escalates pretty quickly.
Well, I don’t know the answer to all of these questions, or how to stop worrying over everything. I think it all boils down, for me, to a couple of things; the need to have control over situations, and the lack of feeling safe. It’s not a panic attack, more like an anxious spell. Where, when presented with a small problem, that I am very capable of fixing, I become useless and freak out. A big part of me sees that I am blowing things WAY out of proportion, but another part of me just isn’t able to stop it.
I found some stats on anxiety from the National Institute of Mental Health. It’s a big problem, and for anybody that has experienced it knows that it can be rather debilitating. The thing I found the most interesting was that the average age of onset was 31.
Here is the Fact Sheet if you are interested.
Here’s what I did to console myself last night. I ate dinner with a tiny fork and spoon that I stole from various brunches, binge watched friends, ate half a box of almond cookies that my bestie let me take from her house, put on a lavender face mask, and listened to Enya. Yes. Enya.
I’m a good meditator, and like to do it. But it just wasn’t happening last night. I just kept thinking who is this lady? So I started researching Enya and her life. She’s sold over 60 million records, never toured once, and takes around 7 years to make each album and lives in a castle in Ireland. She’s super private with her personal life and never married and never had kids. She’s one of the best-selling artists ever from Ireland, and the most popular artist in the new age genre. What an enigma of a lady. You know you’ve heard her songs before, in commercials, movies, just around. I put on her greatest hits and the first one was Only Time. I think I listened to it 4 or 5 times. It’s simple; time is the only thing that knows what’s going to happen. That’s it. Not you, human. Anxiety is a lot like living in all kinds of doomed predictions and frantic what ifs. All I’ve learned from life is that I have no idea what is going to happen next, I can take a guess every now and then, but usually I never see what is coming. I’m trying to remember this Enya soaked lesson when I have my spells, the subject of time. I always thought it was my enemy but really, I think it might be a pretty good friend.
Also, if you have a minute, here’s that video (over 60 million views I guess people have caught on before me), it just might be impossible to not have it calm you down just a little:
Vacation pics to follow. HOORAY!
National Institute of Mental Health. (2017). Generalized Anxiety Disorder Among Adults. Retrieved from: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/prevalence/generalized-anxiety-disorder-among-adults.shtml