Get confident, stupid

I had a job interview this week at a place that I’ve been applying to for years that I really want to work at. On top of this, I haven’t had a formal job interview for about two years or so AND I’m dying to get out of working at the public, it was all so IMPORTANT I don’t mess this up.  Was I nervous? Yes. Could I probably have done better on some of my responses? Yes. But all in all do I think I presented myself decently? Also, yes.

Stuff like this is hard for me, I get so wrapped up in the thought of being judged by strangers I’ve never met. But we all do, don’t we? Then I get the fear of what happens if I don’t get this job, or what if I DO get it then I suck at it and nobody likes me. It’s like I’m screwing myself on both outcomes and the anxiety, oh the high anxiety waiting for the day and time of the sit down. Interviewing is part of the game if you want to get a job that you don’t create yourself. If we have to make a living out there in the world, then we just have to do it. I meditated a bit on it after I was done, attempting to get to the bottom of the fear and anxiety that surrounded it all. What scares me most about interviews, and even deeper down what scares me most about new situations and changes in life?

For me, it boils down to feeling inadequate or like I am perceived as foolish or stupid. Do I think that the four lovely ladies who panel interviewed me turned off the Skype cam and talked about me a little, absolutely you know they did, that’s part of the decision process. But, were they making fun of me, talking about how stupid I was and that I was in no way qualified for the job I was applying for? No way, I was just like anybody else they talked to that day. A long, tedious day of asking people the same old scripted questions. Worst case scenario is that they were saying that I was a complete idiot, even though the chances are narrow, if they were then at the end of the day who really cares?

Society sets us up to perceive failures, or rejections, or any kind of “imperfection” as a bad thing. Just recently I have stepped back and examined myself to realize that I am totally and utterly a perfectionist. I have been for so many years, and the only person that was really judging me all that time was actually me. Don’t mess this up, don’t fail, don’t look stupid, have perfect skin, teeth and hair and make sure that your outfit matches, and that you say the right things to not upset anybody. Get good grades, look good on paper, impress those classmates you run into that you haven’t seen in 10 years, do it all and don’t mess ANY of it up.

When did we get so serious about ourselves anyways? Lately, I’ve been trying to loosen my grip on perfectionism and just have fun with things. We all get caught up in our own heads and think, I’m so weird, but really most of us are very similar because we are these imperfect humans, made up of the same organic materials who function in very similar basic ways. We all think, breathe, eat, produce waste, have bodies, seek love, need shelter, and participate in intimate relationships with ourselves and others in many different forms.

With that being said, I follow this super cute YouTube channel called The School of Life. They have short shorts narrated by an amazing sounding English guy that sum up lots of important life lessons in under 5 minutes or so, accompanied by a cartoon. I have no idea how I stumbled across it, but I have been watching all sorts of them before I go to bed at night. Last night I came across this one called: How to be Confident, which I will post below. It’s short, I think you will laugh if you watch it, and you may even become addicted to the channel like I am.

 

So yeah, basically that’s it. People are idiots, I’m an idiot, you’re an idiot, and so are all the other people in the room with you right now. We are all in this ridiculous boat together, but at the end of the day are the ones that give concepts of appearing foolish a good or bad connotation, so if you think of it as not being a bad thing and just accept it, it’s easier to deal with. Some of the best moments in my life have happened because I gave up the fear of looking stupid and just did what I wanted to do. Those are the moments that have moved me forward, and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. We forget as adults too we need to play, and play requires imagination, creativity and the ability to be silly.

Another good thing about the video is I found a new book to read! I got it here at the U, but for those of you who like to e-read and want the book;

In Praise of Folly by Erasumus can be found for free HERE.

Courtesy of public domain and the good people at project Gutenberg. Read what somebody had to say about the foolishness of human life in Europe in the 1500’s, it’s probably insightful and applicable to the same aspects today.

If you are looking for a more contemporary non-fiction style read on the subject of embracing your imperfections, here’s a great one, it’s called:

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are by Brene Brown.

Find the Goodreads reviews HERE

Brown is a shame researcher who has written multiple books on the subjects of shame, vulnerability and imperfection. She is also pretty well known for her TED talks, which I have also seen a few here and there. She’s worth checking out, I read the book many years ago, but it sticks with me today, and I often recommend it to patrons that are looking for self-helpy kinds of things. So if that’s NOT your bag, maybe dip your toes in by watching one of her TED talks.

And I know, if you have been following for a while I feel like I talk about failing a lot. But, it may just be a common theme to take into consideration, sometimes in life we just fail and fail and fail, until one day we don’t. And if you think haven’t failed yet in life, then do something off Pinterest. Get an idea of how the rest of us feel from time to time. In parting, here’s my ultimate favorite Pinterest fail, I laugh hysterically every because mine wouldn’t even look at good as the fail ones.

cookie-monster-fail

Image obtained from: https://iowameetnyc.wordpress.com/2012/07/24/pinterest-fails/

 

Cats and Buttered Toast

One of my best friends is having a baby shower early June, and in a clever twist, her sister in law has asked guests to bring a book for the baby instead of a card. OH, how perfect is this request. Build the little one a library with personalized messages from the ones who will love him and watch him grow. BOOKS, just books, I love it all.

Whenever I go to a kid’s party I’m that lady that brings books. I don’t buy toys, or clothes, or anything like that I bring books. If it’s a baby shower, sometimes I bring my go to Read Along Handbook by Jim Trelease –  as a part of the gift in an attempt to guilt the mother into reading to her child. Really, it’s just generally handy for book suggestions.  For kid’s birthdays its books, books and more books. The public has an awesome friends of the library where you can find, odd, offbeat, marvelous children’s books for .50 cents to a dollar. There’s really nothing like watching your friends and/or acquaintances open your gift to find such original treasures. I’m sure most kids would rather have a princess dress, or skateboard or something much cooler. If this is the case, then don’t invite me to your kids parties because they are only getting 5$ of strange literature out of me. So there. Am I being rebellious? Maybe a little, but I think the consumerism, especially for kids, is way out of control these days.

So what did I find today in the Friends?

A picture book called Mac Side Up by Bob Elsdale. I got it mainly because it has a cat wearing a backwards hat on a piece of toast on the cover, but as I read it gets better.

IMG_1128 - Copy

The whole book is a play on the buttered toast always lands butter side down and cat always lands on its feet thing that was so popular like 15 years ago, you know, that thing.

Anyways. This cool cat decides that he is going to see what happens if he straps a piece of buttered toast with the butter side up to his back. With the help of his radical ferret friend (who wears sunglasses) he embarks on a stunt to try to get to the bottom of this hypothesis. Which is stronger, the fact that the cat always lands on his feet, or the thought that buttered toast always lands side down??? Well if you want to know, you will have to find a copy of this god knows where. I will give you a spoiler though, in the end, I think that felines may prevail.

IMG_1129 - Copy

**Also at the end of this book there is a two page explanation of how there were no animals harmed in the making of this book, and how they position the model animals and surrounding images so that they are in no way distressed in the process (YES!)**

Another trip around the Sun..

I just got through with birthday week, and all I want to do is sleep for about 2 days straight. I love that I have so many people in my life that want to celebrate with me, and take me out, and do things for me, it’s amazing and I’m so grateful for it all. But I’m old now, and nothing proves that to me more than going out night after night for about a week capped off by the twelve hours I spent at Disneyland yesterday. If you want to remember how old you are, just do that for a day then see how you feel 10 miles and hours of line standing later. It was worth it to be exhausted today, it was a great time. Even with all the people in the park Disney just does such a good job of making you feel like you are in an entirely different world, which I think we all need every now and again. They certainly don’t call it the Magic Kingdom for nothing, but I’m sure some people would argue with that.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I always feel a twinge of sadness around my birthdays. It could be a couple of things, that old nagging feeling that another year has gone by and you aren’t exactly where you thought you would be by now, the fact that you are one year closer to death, or maybe your expectations for how the day would roll out didn’t exactly live up to your standards, somebody important to you forgot about it, or you just realize that as you get older that it’s just really another day that marks the passage of this construct we call “time”. A year, another trip on this planet making a rotation around a gigantic ball of gas.

With all this brewing my dear friend recommended a book to me to read as a good and easy “birthday read”. It’s The Alchemist by Paolo Coelho. Now, I’ve heard about this book before. It’s some kind of new agey, connect with the universe, life quest, you are where you need to be type deal. I get asked for this book quite a bit at the public, and we have about 5 copies in storage meaning that it circulates a lot. I grabbed one, to see what it was all about. I took it into tech with me and started reading on a Tuesday night around 7. I read the whole last hour of work, then when I got home until about midnight, when I just couldn’t read anymore and I was nearly done with the book. I finished it up the next morning, making it probably close to about a three and a half to four hour read.

I really enjoyed the story, it was simple, it wasn’t filled with all the good things there was some plot and some hardships. It was realistic (for the most part) and relatable, and showed how life isn’t necessarily what you thought it would be, but it is what it is supposed to be. The main “hero” of the story meets some interesting life guides along the way and runs into his fair share of obstacles and epiphanies, but naturally these lead him to end up in a better place than he probably could have ever imagined himself. It’s easy. There is just one thing in life and that is to find your purpose and follow it, the rest just happens. I connected with it pretty hard, but even if you don’t it’s an easy read, and entertaining.

Here is a link to the reviews and book info on goodreads, just a quick glance shows that a lot of people didn’t really care for it at all, mostly people who thought it was drivel, or just self-help BS. Jesus, people have a lot of hate for this one. But, you know, sometimes it’s good to just read things for yourself, and if you check it out from the library you aren’t losing anything really, except a bit of time. I actually bought a copy to gift to one of my favorite student workers who is graduating, so hopefully he doesn’t think it’s as bad as those reviews and not want to be my friend anymore.

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/865.The_Alchemist

While I’m on the topic of out there spacey kind of new age books you would find at some sort of vegan coffeehouse in LA, here’s another super cute one I just finished (mostly illustrations) and plan on re-gifting to a friend:

Your-Illustrated-Guide-to-ZBecoming-One-with-the-Universe-by-Yumi-Sakugawa-on-BookDragon

 

Sakugawa is an amazing artist/author from California who also blogs about health and wellness on top of her comics and books. I’m so glad I stumbled upon her, and plan to keep on following what she does, here’s her site if you want to check her out. You should.

http://www.yumisakugawa.com/

Bruuuuccee

As if you needed a reason to love Bruce Springsteen more? Well here it is…. The boss has released his autobiography and it’s amazing.

Born to Run is Springsteen’s account of his life and career, so it’s quite lengthy. At about 500 pages plan to set aside a pretty decent chunk of time to get through this one. However, it’s written simply and to the point using analogies for life and life’s lessons that are both interesting and humorous. Bruce has had a career that has spanned over 4 decades so there is a lot to cover and he covers all of it, in short well separated chapters. He focuses mainly on his work and music, but starts to delve more into his personal life when he gets to his early 30’s and starts to suffer from depression and anxiety that he sought professional help for. He mentions at some time the emotional issues one has become too hard to run from anymore and you have to own up to them, they come scratching at your door and you have no choice. Yes, this all sounds familiar (cough cough everybody). Another reason why I adore reading biographies of people that we cast the spell of celebrity on is that you get to see them for who they are, and see into the other side of what fame is, and how people get there. Many of us will never know this phenomenon, and some may be sad for that but others may think themselves lucky. Many people who end up in the spotlight had no intention to wind up there and the weight, scrutiny and pressure of it can be enormous.

There’s this great monkey suit analogy he uses to describe his avoidance of life that hit especially home to me. Like this grand moment of clarity he comes to about the realness of things somewhere in his early 30’s:

Robert De Niro once said he loved acting because you got to live other lives without the consequences. I lived a new life every night. Each evening you are a new man in a new town with all of life and life’s possibilities spread out before you. For much of my life I’d vainly sought to re-create this feeling every… single… day. Perhaps it’s the curse of the imaginative mind. Or perhaps it’s just the “running” in you. You simply can’t stop imagining other worlds, other loves, other places than the one you are comfortably set in at any moment, the one holding all your treasures. Those treasures can seem so easily made gray by the vast open and barren spaces of the creative mind. Of course, there is but one life. Nobody likes that.. but there’s just one. And we’re lucky to have it. God bless us and have mercy on us that we may have the understanding and the abilities to live it… and know the “possibility of everything”… is just “nothing” dressed up in a monkey suit… and I’d had the best monkey suit in town (Springsteen, 2016, p. 274).

How good is that? There’s so much in that one little paragraph. That moment when you stop shooting for some unrealistic fantasy of a future and realize that everything that you ever wanted was really right in front of you the whole time. We have so much in our lives and within ourselves but often we miss out on enjoying it reaching for some future, past or both. It’s good to strive for great things, but if you are living in your imagination and the stories in your head you will miss out on what’s real and in front of you. So, take off your monkey suit and enjoy it while you got it and check out this read if you are so inclined. Here’s a link to the publisher’s page:

Born to Run

Springsteen, B. (2016). Born to Run. New York: Simon & Schuster.

5 more days of this?

This Is hard.

Dear lord it’s only day two without reading. I’ve noticed a few things though. Especially when I’m out on reference desk I am sure observing a lot more when I don’t have my nose stuck in a book or fixated on reading something on the computer screen. What did I do to pass the time today? Coloring, walking, yoga, cutting pictures out of magazines, organizing things, staring into the sometimes empty and ever so shiny floor on “main street” in the library between mini rushes. I made up stories about the minions in the display case, although I didn’t write them down. I took my time more with people, since there was nothing for me to get back to other than chatting, which even that become tired after doing it all day. I guess I didn’t have much to say. I think I may be cheating by using social media a bit.

I kind of feel like there is something missing. I guess that happens when you cut anything out of your life. It’s harder in this case because I’m surrounded daily by books. Words. All these words, all the time in my face and I can’t read them! AHHH. OK that’s enough of my rant for the day. WAIT. I did cheat. I read a children’s book about a fluffy cat that floated because, well I guess I didn’t realize I couldn’t. It was a really good book anyways, if you like cats that are fluffy, or have a kid that might, it’s worth checking out.

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Link to Goodreads review

 The tech center is finally up and running after being down all of yesterday from a server update. Yes, it was annoying for some patrons, but not the monumental catastrophe that others made it out to be. In the grand scheme of things look we all lived. What wonders of the universe? It’s always interesting to me to watch the panic that ensues when technology isn’t working properly. I kind of am trying to remember for me personally that nobody promised that store wouldn’t be crowded, or it’s not a certainty that your day will go the way you want but that’s ok. Follow the flow of it and it might end up somewhere better than you expected. Or maybe not, but really you don’t have control so just go with it anyways.

 

Reading Deprivation

At the advice of a friend’s boyfriend who is a musician as well as a recommendation from my life coach I am currently in week four of the book “The Artist’s Way: A spiritual path to higher creativity” by Julia Cameron. This particular book was structured from a workshop held to help blocked creative learn to regain their sense of flow and creativity. It says that it’s a spiritual path, but it doesn’t shove the idea of organized religion down your throat so that’s a good thing.

So far it’s been good I’m almost a third of the way through the 12 weeks. There’s the fact that you commit to certain things, like writing at least 3 pages a day in the mornings, and keeping yourself on track each week with the readings and exercises. OH, and taking yourself on one date a week that encourages you to explore old loves and habits, a way to re-connect with your inner self and voice. It is kind of a lot to commit to, but in the end it has to be worth at least the fact that you are taking steps to open things up within you, and that yes, you are a person who completes things.

Either way, this week one of the rules or “exercises” is reading deprivation. Wait what? What the hell is going on here? The rage inside. I can’t read? Well what the hell else am I supposed to do? This is a lot. Anybody who relies on reading on a daily basis will tell you take that away and it’s rather unnerving. She writes about this being the hardest reveal in the class and knowing the negative reaction she will get initially, but, that it’s worth it in the end for anybody who is able to get through it.

I understand in a way what she’s getting at. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about not going on social media for a week or longer. Take a break. Maybe I can do both of these things at the same time, but I think it may be too much for me all at once. Sometimes we bombard ourselves with distractions of all sorts of forms, social media, novels, television, gossiping. Anything to direct ourselves away from what is happening inwardly. Escapism. It’s one of the most difficult things to do to be still and really listen to yourself away from all these distractions, opinions, words, images, situations. So my anger subsides. I mean I’m still kind of shell shocked and confused about what I’m supposed to do, and isn’t reading a good thing? Well yes it is generally, and being connected is also a good thing, but it’s also good to be able to disconnect. Unplug for a bit before you lose the ability to understand how important real quiet time is. Maybe the sweet spot is in the balance (it usually is).

I’ve never been on any kind of religious retreat, although I have been toying with the idea of one of those non-speaking Buddhist retreats. The idea seems so crazy but maybe if we all just shut up a bit we will be able to have more clarity. Maybe if we stop filling our heads so much with the words of others and the situations that our own words can bring something can happen. I’m about to find out. So I’ll try this whole non-reading thing this week. As with any addiction, one day at a time. Wish me luck.

Consciousness and its Shadow

I’m watching Westworld and it’s totally hitting a nerve with me.

This class I’m taking has been forcing me to think about what makes humans, well human, and the main point he has brought to the table is our consciousness.

You are always conscious, you can never not be, your consciousness IS what makes you human.

Westworld explores this, with the use of robotics, and simulated intelligence. The revelries, the story lines, the characters waking up and making their artificial intelligence seem so human that the people working with them can’t even tell if they are becoming “real”. The general idea is that the game is some sort of maze, with levels and there are ways to unlock certain characters and plots by saying or acting in a certain way. Many people want to get to the middle of this maze, but they don’t know how. There may or may not be some dead creator somewhere at the middle. Then, you get the people that fall in love with the robots (or hosts). This is another story all together that could bring about a conversation all its own but is very important in determining what is considered human. Can we fall in love with robots? Probably.

It’s a trip, I’ve been thinking about it all day because I literally just caught up on the show last night. Inside of each characters scalp there is some sort of metal looking contraption that looks like a maze. Also throughout the show a symbol of a maze appears on different items that may make you think that things are important to the characters getting to the deepest level of the maze, which could, or could not, be argued as being consciousness itself. Ah. It’s a lot I know.

I came to work today and see this person that always talks to me that I try to avoid. So I duck into circulation and pretend that I am doing something important and look at the books that need to be re-shelved. One of the major players we talk about in class is Jung, and I see his book Man and His Symbols. It’s pretty thick, but I have not much to do today but wait for questions, so I grab it. The cover has a gold symbol of a maze (just like the show!). Now I have to thumb through it, at least.

Jung is a really interesting cat. He used to team up with Freud, but eventually his ideas became so drastically different be branched out and became his own thing. Jung was into subconscious symbolism, dreams, and something he calls the “realization of the shadow”.

“Whether the unconscious comes up at first in a helpful or negative form, after a time the need usually arises to re-adapt the conscious attitude in a better way to the unconscious factors- therefore to accept what seems to be “criticism” from the unconscious. Through dreams one becomes acquainted with aspects of one’s own personality that for various reasons one has preferred not to look at too closely” (Jung, 1964).

Does everybody believe in a subconscious? Maybe some people may not even think about it and just go about their lives knowing what they know and not bothering to dive a little deeper into all of it. Are dreams really just this mash up of thoughts, images and feelings that we encounter in our waking lives or is it so much more. Do you ever have this recurring dream or nightmare that goes away only to resurface when faced with a similar situation or lesson in life 10 years down the road? It’s as if we can’t run from our own minds, which could either be seen as a good or bad thing. I see it as good. MORE psychology books I know I know, but I think I’m just going to skim this one. Unfortunately, there’s not enough reading hours in the day. Sigh.

Jung, C.G. (1964). Man and His Symbols. Garden City, New York; Doubleday & Company.

Ruby Yachts

Its midterms, and Sunday as well as homecoming weekend which may be why it’s super slow at work today. There’s about 10 people in the building, 3 of us being people who work here. I forgot to bring my book from home, but guess what. I have thousands of them here at work, so I’m sure I can find something to pass the time. It’s not easy to read a novel at work, it takes up too much concentration so I’ll opt for poetry, or shorter stuff. This way when a question comes my way it’s easy to switch back into work mode. When I was a kid, I remember seeing this book Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam that my mom had next to the area where she kept her wallet, and crystals and feathers and other little worldly trinkets. It was there for a really long time, maybe years. The book itself was long and skinny, red with gold sided pages. When I was a kid I thought it was about some guy who had a yacht made out of rubies and sailed it around the world. Thank goodness it’s not though, that may be a little strange. Here’s a short poetry lesson that I learned today, thanks to a quick google. A Rubaiyat or Ruba’i is a Persian quatrain, or poem consisting of four lines. So basically the whole thing is just a bunch of short little thoughts strung together in lines of four. The individual quatrains were connected and pieced together to form a flowing story by the English writer Edward Fitzgerald in 1859, long after they were actually written.

Poetry reaches us so deeply because it can be anything you want it to be. In my life thus far I find myself more attracted to non-rhyming, contemporary stuff, but a lot of the older stuff I never even bothered to visit because it felt so dry and boring. I guess I’m taking another look at older writings as I get older myself. Western culture and writings seem so young when you match it up to the older Eastern writings. But, East or West, human nature is still human nature, and we may think of ourselves as more evolved than our ancestors, smarter, more moral, the list goes on. The truth is that the eternal struggle has been and always will be. He describes my Saturday night wine and deep thought spiral that got me absolutely nowhere perfectly:

For “is” and “is-not” though with Rule and Line

And “up-and-down” by Logic I define

Of all that one should care to fathom, I

Was never deep in anything but- Wine.

-Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam

Here’s encyclopedia Britanica’s explanation of this work:

“The verses translated by FitzGerald and others reveal a man of deep thought, troubled by the questions of the nature of reality and the eternal, the impermanence and uncertainty of life, and man’s relationship to God. The writer doubts the existence of divine providence and the afterlife, derides religious certainty, and feels keenly man’s frailty and ignorance. Finding no acceptable answers to his perplexities, he chooses to put his faith instead in a joyful appreciation of the fleeting and sensuous beauties of the material world. The idyllic nature of the modest pleasures he celebrates, however, cannot dispel his honest and straightforward brooding over fundamental metaphysical questions” (Encyclopedia Britannica, 2016).

In other words: That time when Omar Khayyam was basically all of us. Me especially this week.

…Scene Missing…

I actually read the news stories on snap chat. Yes those ones from Buzzfeed and Cosmo, it’s my guilty pleasure. I came across one the other day that a young woman wrote about her issues with blackout drinking. She mentioned a book called Blackout: Remembering the things I drank to Forget by Sarah Hepola. Lucky for me we had it at the public library, I did have to call the other branch to get it transferred which was slightly embarrassing, but whatever. It’s like HI coworker can you transfer me a book about being a blackout drunk? Oh, yes a friend of mine was asking for it, no no, it’s has no relevance in my life at all. I swear I’ve never had this problem…

Actually I have. For a solid decade I operated under the guise of being a blackout drinker, often missing hours of my life at a time. From the outside you would have probably never known it. I was successful at any job I chose, put myself through college and grad school, was in long term relationships, and had a bunch of friends and drinking partners. I was functioning as far as anybody who didn’t know me could tell, but it couldn’t have been farther from the truth. Anybody who has had blackouts can relate to this book, whether it was only that once or if it happened on a weekly basis. Hepola is a journalist that spent most of her 20’s in this same hazy booze cloud. She recounts sex with strangers, broken friendships and relationships, nearly burning her own apartment down passing out in the middle of making food, and finding herself in other interesting situations that I won’t give away. Alcoholism can be sad and depressing, nobody ever becomes an addict because they are just wildly happy with themselves. This book could have ended up being really heavy, but it wasn’t. Hepola has a knack for self-realization, and for describing what the bottom of the barrel feels like. I know because I’ve been at that bottom so many times before. It’s only fun, until it’s not fun anymore, then you just keep doing it for years after it became not fun, then you kind of want to die, then you realize that you ARE dead inside,  then you either stop or actually physically die. In the end when she does decides to really stop this time, she kept me laughing with stories about how life and relationships work (or don’t work) after drinking. When your life revolves around it for so long, it can feel like there is no other way to live. Nothing can be fun without being drunk right? It actually can be.

It’s really inspiring, and funny, and honest. Some parts you cringe, some parts you cry and some parts just make you downright laugh out loud. She explores feminism and rape culture, and outlines her first experiences with alcohol and sex and weaves them together to try to understand the motives for her behavior and addiction. I couldn’t put it down a read straight through in 2 days. I love reads like this.

Here’s a New York Times review that probably says it better than I can:

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/07/01/books/review-sarah-hepolas-blackout-on-the-darkness-that-took-over-her-life.html?_r=0

After that If you are still in the mood for blackout drinkers and sensitive adolescents try out:

Girl on a Train by Paula Hawkins. I know it’s a trendy pop read, and they are currently making a movie out of it. But the main character is also a blackout drunk, and much of the book she is trying to piece one particular night together. The author must have some experience with this because she writes the blackout experience so well. Here’s the review on that one:

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/05/books/the-girl-on-the-train-by-paula-hawkins.html

13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher is a Young Adult read. But, if you were ever a girl in high school the main character is astoundingly relatable. Be careful though, this one might dig up some old wounds you thought were long gone.

http://www.thirteenreasonswhy.com/

The only way you can solve a problem is by turning to face it. Sometimes this takes years, lifetimes to break down the things in our psyche that hold us back and keep us from being our best selves. It’s scary, and maybe one of the scarier parts of being a human is that we often feel alone. But we are not. The human experience can be so common. You can find friends in books and stories as well as the people around you to help you heal, it’s a beautiful thing.

 

 

Will and work

In the 2 month absence of my therapist due to an unknown skin condition I am left to try to sort some things out on my own. She gave me numbers to some suggested replacements in the meantime, as well as recommended that I could find somebody else through my insurance. I don’t mean to sound weird or overly attached here but it’s like your husband telling you to just find somebody else to have sex with some random stranger, since he isn’t feeling up to it. I can’t just start over with somebody else, trust and uncovering of deep-seated issues takes time, all my emotionally intimate eggs are in this basket so I found it interesting this casual suggestion to see somebody else, I wonder if others may take this more lightly if they were in my situation. I am feeling better than I was 9 months ago when I started all of this, and it gives my expenses a break so I’m not too sad about it, but was kind of on a roll with this whole self-discovery thing so I’ve been exploring different theories in psychology just through random readings. This can be dangerous, probably just as dangerous as Googling any symptom you may have as it ultimately just sends you to worst case scenario thinking. Well maybe better because I’m skimming scholarly materials from established professionals.. BUT, if I keep this in check, it’s just interesting to see what theories are out there in the field, and how they could (possibly) pertain to my own web of consciousness.

I stumbled upon Alexander Lowen, who came up with the idea of bioenergetics analysis. I won’t even attempt to explain this, as I’m only like 40 pages into 1 of his many books, but here is a link to his bio on Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexander_Lowen (now I must side shame myself for using Wikipedia and being an academic librarian, but it’s just a blog). When he talks about the schizoid personality and its tendency to force behaviors to attempt to seem like a functioning emotional being he explains how it is a facet of society that we all have to force behaviors from time to time and this is a normal part of being in today’s modern world (especially the work force). This quote about it really stuck to me.

“Yet, the fact is that many people in our culture are forced to use their will in routine activities. How often one hears the remark ‘I had to use all my will power to get to work this morning’. If this sounds like a schizoid statement, it should be realized that conditions of work in modern culture alienate the individual from the creative process and deny him the pleasure and satisfaction of his productive effort. One works under these conditions because of compelling necessity, not desire. To regiment oneself of the mechanization and standardization of a mass production system requires an effort of will” (Lowen, pg.48, 1967).

It’s crazy that we have set up our society to basically oppress our own creativity to maximize profit and production. I mean, this doesn’t apply to everybody, but for a long time I struggled with this working in real estate for about a decade. It’s hard to swallow that people spend their life in a constant state of misery just trying to feed themselves and their families squandering any attempt at creative output. It’s such a struggle. And one I fight with too, even now that I’ve found a career that allows to me express creativity, and encourages it.

Anyway this book is old, and looks boring as heck, but Lowen has some great ideas about identity and the schizoid personality. If you happen to be struggling with your own identity or sense of self it may be a good read for you, it’s kind of dry, obviously.

Lowen, A. (1967). Betrayal of the body. New York: The Macmillan Company.