New Year, New “Me”?

I love that saying, it’s so hopeful isn’t it? However hopeful, the prospect of the transformation into a new self at the stroke of midnight, or even in the span of 365 days, is just not the reality of it.  The very saying leads me to wonder, is there ever really a new “me”, or is it just the me that was already in there? That me that you always wanted to be, always knew you could be, but for whatever reason, were not?

I knew I had to do a year end post, because I’m a creature of habit and ritual, but since I’ve been off work for the last 10 or so days there isn’t much going on in the library realm. So, on this last day of the year, why not talk about me, or you, or us (you get the picture).

There’s a lot of versions of “me” I’ve met over the last 3 decades or so. But the one that I have managed to get to today is probably my favorite one yet. In my mind it goes something like this… When I was a kid I was exactly who I was. I didn’t worry about money, or beauty, or status. I had a great imagination and I wasn’t hung up, anxious, sad, depressed or addicted. I valued play and nature, and my own sense of wildness and wonder. I didn’t question my own instincts. As we grow up we have things happen to us. Some good, some bad. It seems like what we remember most is the bad, and that each time something just sticks with us that we can’t let go of or forgive or get past we add a layer of protection to ourselves. Again, for the sake of imagination, think of putting on another shirt, or coat, as to protect ourselves from the cold of the world. After the years this can pose a pretty big problem if we don’t remove these protective layers and just keep piling them on. If they get so thick it becomes hard to tell who or what is really under all our defenses, and makes it pretty difficult to move in any direction.

The tricky thing is some people get used to living under all the layers, it’s ok to even like it because it becomes comfortable and known. Some may realize they want out but become discouraged when you can’t get the shirts off all at once but only one at a time, and give up. I think that some people, when they get to a point that they have so much on that they can’t move or breathe, decide they must take it off it, one piece at a time because they have no choice. This takes months, years, an indefinite amount of time really, counseling, substances, mistakes, falling and getting back up. I don’t know if it’s ever finished because it’s a moving target. Maybe three shirts come off, but you put one back on because something new happened and you decide you still need it. It’s demanding work, and lonely work. Only you can do it, and you can’t take anybody there with you.

These versions of me include, but are not limited to:

The me I was

The me I thought I should have been to fit in

The me that said what others needed to hear

The me that didn’t stand up for myself

The me that stopped writing

The me that started again

The me that rebelled and hit my fists against the brick wall until they bled

The me that conformed for security

The me that was angry and blamed everybody but myself

The me that was impatient and unkind

The me that learned compassion

The me that was humbled by my own limitations

The me that demanded perfection

The me that allowed myself to fail again

The me that accepted and forgave

The me that I see in my mind and feel in my heart

The me that (I think) I’m destined to be

The me that I am today, which is well on her way to the above


In honor of being “me” this New Year’s Eve. I’m going to stay in with the cat and eat an entire bag of potato chips while wearing amazing cat pajamas that a dear friend bought me for Christmas. Am I even going to watch the ball drop? Eh, probably not. All I know is this year I’ll be right where I want to be, alone with myself. In honor of being alone with myself, I scheduled an hour in a float pod tomorrow, which is something I’ve always been curious about. What better way is there to be alone with yourself other than spending an hour sealed into a small egg like contraption, floating in shallow, body temperature, salinized water. I hope like Lisa Simpson, that I turn into my cat for at least a couple of minutes. Either way exploring my own inner world has been the key to finding that “me” that’s somewhere in there. I’m intrigued to see what comes up.

Happy New Year’s everybody!!


Image obtained from:×16-xT5LMsYaNsXlZuUrOU


On exes, Christmas, and people who apparently hate earphones…

I’m sure at this point I’m not alone when I say that 2017 can just be over already. Just end, be done, leave, bye…. I’m hoping that 2018 will be a better one for everybody, and the end of this one hasn’t been so bad so that’s a good start.

It’s the last day before break here at the U and the library is a ghost town, most staff have already started the break, and I think I saw 1 person in here when I went to the bathroom just now, but he’s the brother of somebody who works here so I’m not sure if that counts. I’ll say it does, to beef up the door count. Earlier this morning I was recounting an interaction I had with a student who I thought, was being rather rude and listening to a movie full blast on his phone while at the computers where other students were trying to work.

Here’s how that went:

From my desk, which is a reasonable distance, I hear some phone stuffs. I see a kid working on the computer with his phone propped up against the side wall of the computer cubicle, he looks at the phone, then the computer screen, then the phone again. I give him the benefit of the doubt and think, OH, maybe he’s doing a tutorial in excel or something. I’ll let it go. So I do, even though it’s disturbing me, and I know as a general rule if I’m bothered then so are others. It’s on and off a bit for about 20 minutes, then I go in the back room to get some water. On my way back I pass the kid, and hear screaming from the phone, this is definitely NOT a tutorial. I look down and he’s watching a movie. A freaking movie, volume all the way up and no headphones. I stop by his station and look at the screen.

Me: “Oh, I wondered what that was. Don’t you think that’s a bit loud?” *

*My best passive aggressive, oh we don’t really monitor noise, but come ON your level of courtesy and general respect for those around you trying to work is not cool.

Kid: Blankly stares up at me with mouth open

I stand there in a silent standoff for about 15 seconds, then turn to leave, kid does not stop watching or turn down.

Could I have asserted my power more, and been like, HEY you need earphones, or turn that down? Yes, but I didn’t, and I don’t because like most introverts working in the library I hate confrontation and I just generally don’t like policing people. It blows my mind how much people just don’t generally know how to be courteous to others in shared public spaces. Earlier in the week I had a man clipping his nails and letting them fly all over the place at a table in the public. Gross. Stuff like that just riles me up more than it should, especially the newest trend of everybody just putting everything from phone conversations to their music or movies full blast on speaker in all the public places. When did we decide this was OK?

Regardless, my coworker gave me some good advice that I was able to connect to another event this week. He said just forget about it already, that kid has. Every time you talk about it or think about it you are just re-living the event and there’s no reason for that.

Hmmmm. What a sage.

This brings me to the story to something that somebody who showed up recently for me. The holidays always brings the ghosts out the woodwork and I know this, I expect it, but this one was a really old one. Begrudgingly joining Facebook so I could online date was going to bite me in the butt for sure, but I really didn’t expect it to this way. A very, very, very old demon of mine from almost 2 decades ago came up, one that I haven’t wanted to face for as long as I can remember but have been trying to take steps to work through it. Anyways, there were some messenger exchanges, which ultimately led to me giving this long (and rather unsolicited) heartfelt spiel about life and forgiveness and happiness and fatherhood and all the life things which I was proud of. It took a lot of courage for me to do. The response was like, yeah, well we were kids, I apologize too, we should talk more, etc. It looked something like this:

Me: Pouring my heart and soul out, standing up for myself finally and airing out all those old demons I’ve sat on for so damn long, while attempting to break my cycle of trying to fix tragically broken, yet beautiful men.

Him: Yeah it’s cool, same. Hey let’s grab lunch sometime if you want.

Wow. I mean I didn’t really know what to expect. I guess most people don’t know what to do when hitting up long lost exes but it made me realize that I was the only one that carried around this sordid past with him in my head. It was allll me, and I’m sure over the course of the years it’s mutated and changed like a sick game of telephone. It wasn’t the response I wanted, but it helped me finally to put everything to bed here for good which is what I really wanted in the first place. So that was it. The big face off, and it wasn’t nearly anywhere as scary as I thought it would be. We are the ones that have the power to stop reliving the past, especially the parts that hurt us. Like that big scary monster under the bed, all you have to do is tell it to go away and it does. Why? Because you are the one that imagined it in the first place.

Christmas is a season of forgiveness, and the turning of the calendar year is symbolic for new beginnings. Tell somebody that you have been at odds with you forgive them, for whatever reason, however you can. They might not even care, but it will probably make you feel a whole lot better. You might as well evict a ghost to make way for something living.


Tell em Jasper..


Image obtained from:

It’s OVER!

This NaNoWriMo bit ends tonight!

Here’s what I learned:

It’s possible to write 50,000 words in 30 days

It feels a bit more like torturous boot camp until you get into the habit

Dear God I hope I don’t fall out of the habit

Now that I’m here I think I need to keep doing this to stay sane

Books are hard as hell to write

Students don’t want to write 50K words on top of all their other finals they have to do (not surprised)


But, I did it! I put myself up to a challenge and I did it. I hit that old word count: 50,000.

Here’s the proof…


My story has taken me some interesting places, ones that I didn’t even know I was going. I was worried I wouldn’t have anything so say, but here I am done with word count and nowhere near the end of the story. I would say maybe a little over halfway, and most of the meat hasn’t been dug into yet. But I have a promising idea of how I want to flush it out. So, what’s next with this strange little story of mine?

Next is printing it out and doing a read through this weekend. I know I’m sorry, it’s killing trees, but I need to go through it hard copy. I’m old school I suppose. Another part to this is that the story weaves through people over the course of some days, and it’s getting a little hairy lining everything up. On paper I can separate them and do them as long streams. It wasn’t necessary before, but I may have to write the second half this way, we’ll see.

Then the next part is just getting the rest out. I don’t know if I can keep up the pace of 1600 words per day, but I need to try to get something down at least every other day. I was able to put off some work goals and demands but now I may have to pay some attention to academic style writing. It will be a gear switch, but I won’t abandon my story. I hope that by my birthday (a little under four months) to have something more cohesive.

Something I didn’t realize is that you have to research a lot of things that you need to see to explain. Here’s my list so far. I need to think about melting metal, and how fires spread. I need to watch something burn. I need to talk more with the younger students (18 or so) to see how they interact with friends, how high school was for them. I need to go to Viva Madrid and watch my friend bar tend, see how she makes watermelon juice, watch her make a Spanish coffee, note the weekend crowd and takes notes on the owner. I need to learn about relationships between older men and younger women, my best friend suggested a movie and I already forgot it. But most of all I need to keep reading, observing, and ingesting words and images and keeping these characters in my head and close to me.

Another thing I plan to do is clean it up a bit and apply for some MFA fellowships, actually just one. I’m putting all my eggs in one basket and seeing if it works out. I may do more later, but for now I’m pooped, and not even sure this is a degree I want. All I’ve learned about grad degrees is that they open doors, but I may need that if I want to be “serious” about writing. Am I ever “serious” about anything? Do degrees really mean anything? All I know is I’m NOT paying for it.

I’m so tired of writing now, so this is a short one. I just wanted to brag a bit and hope that it inspires somebody, anybody, to try something they really want to do. It’s possible, anything is possible, but it’s always WORK. Well I guess that living without food or air isn’t possible, but don’t be a jerk, you get the point. Stop using your excuses and just get out there and do something that moves you forward, even if it’s a little step and nobody cares. I bet that nobody really will care, but you will, and that’s the most important care of all. I promise. It may even take you somewhere you never thought you could go.

I was so excited I wanted to celebrate, then realized that I have nobody to celebrate with and that I’m really tired anyways and just want soup. So, I made soup. *insert party horn here*

The end.

Love in the Upside Down

So you know how I mentioned I started using some online dating apps?

I quit. It kind of looked like this.


I only lasted a week and a half and I just couldn’t do it anymore. If you watch stranger things you will understand this reference (If not, sorry and you should totally go watch it). I couldn’t help but feeling like I was in the “upside down” aka this odd version of reality that was kind of dark, confusing, and gave me nightmares. No really, it gave me nightmares.

So let me explain. It’s not that I make myself super accessible to the opposite sex but I’m out there in the world, and ringless. I work in two very public buildings full of all kinds of folks, I go out to bars with friends, or sometimes even solo. I attend weddings, and functions for both work and a vast network of friends from all walks of life and nobody even talks to me let alone asks me on dates. Every person who talks to me wants something, a book, an article, headphones, for me to help them edit their paper randomly at a Starbucks, you get the idea. Ok, I’m not counting the 2 or 3 weirdos that kissed my hand or slipped me their number at the public, sorry it just isn’t valid as being something worth pursuing on my end that could lead to anything.

You can imagine what it feels like to suddenly have people interested in you. Or, what they think you are or could be, or whatever. As I mentioned in my last post, is that the right kind of attention? Well, it may be the only kind we have immediate access to. I got asked a lot of questions, and the one that kept coming up was “What do you want?” I wasn’t trying to be snarky or anything but what I really wanted to say in my heart of all hearts was “To NOT meet a man online.” But that wasn’t going to get me anywhere, was it?

So I had some conversations with amazingly candid dudes that were looking for love. I appreciated the forwardness and truthfulness of it all, but at the end of the day it felt like more of a business transaction or interview, and it was not fun. Some people may have fun, I’m not knocking it for all but just saying for me there was nothing fun about it.

Let’s sift to my two actual (kind of) transactions. I talked with one guy for almost the whole time, and really it was good conversation. He seemed like a really great person, and had a good sense of humor and I kind of got all weird on him once about needing time before we met and he even talked to me after that, which was a major plus. But then, the meeting thing came up again, and I felt like maybe he didn’t really hear me the first time about needing time then said something kind weird that I thought might be one of those passive aggressive cryptic things so I just kind of cut it off there. I mean, I could have been wrong and maybe just jumped ship out of fear and my own personal issues, but I guess I’ll never know. That’s ok though I’m learning to trust my gut a bit more these days. We wished one another well and that was that.

And then, I agreed to meet up with somebody because something about them piqued my interest. Weird thing about this profile is there were 6 pictures that all seemed to look different. I actually on first instinct thought it was somebody that goes to my hot yoga on Sundays based upon one of the pictures and his description. But, who can be sure right? We made plans to meet for coffee on a Wednesday and guess who never showed? Yes, yes, my first actual step out of the box and I got stood the f* up. Ugh.

I waited 15 minutes, then took my coffee on a walk and actually was a bit relieved. I went home and thought, eh, I’ll give the app another night see if this guy actually says something about the no show. Crickets. I deleted that app, and the other one I had and have since been able to resume a semi normal but still rather lonely life. Well almost normal. After the great stand up I couldn’t shake the feeling that this guy is the same person that, two weeks ago, was half naked next to me in a room that was 105 degrees struggling through eagle, camel and locust pose right along with me. Maybe I’m just being paranoid, but it was distracting and it threw off my practice. I told some people about my suspicion, and they said to check the sign in list and see if his name is on there. (From our very brief exchanges I do know his first name). I never got around to this, and honestly it seemed a bit weird to do. But this morning…

My regular yoga teacher is amazing, and she knows everybody by name, and will often talk to us in class. So when she was welcoming a certain suspiciously tall 30 something who came in late by first name I almost fell over laughing. Yep, I was right!! It’s the dude that didn’t show, unless by the biggest coincidence in the world this other guy just happens to have the same name. She said his name a couple more times during class and each time I wanted to laugh so hard I just had to hold it all in. I have no clue if he recognizes me, my bangs are back, and I have workout glasses on and horrible outfits and am covered in sweat, but he may…

I’m not mad. In fact this is one of the most hilarious and eye opening things to me about online dating and the “upside down” world. I don’t even have the idea of how I can communicate with this person and perhaps share a laugh about the whole thing. I wanted to but didn’t, what am I scared of? What if he just pretends it all never happened and I’m some crazy lady? What if I make him feel horrible? What if he tried later to hit me up and I was gone? AH! Who knows, we don’t really know one another and we don’t owe each other anything but it’s just so darn ODD. In the alternate universe of the “upside down” where neither of us ever really existed we could complement one another, make plans to meet up with the possibility and intent of seeing if we could actually have a friendly, and/or physically intimate relationship. While here in person, in flesh and the vulnerability of our sweaty yoga practice we are complete strangers. The plane we connected on disintegrated with the push of a delete button.

Online dating is a reality for so many people, and I’m sure there’s many more stories such as this one. I found some interesting stats on online dating in an article that cited a source called Statistic Brain. I’m a bit weary of the site, seeing as it has ads throughout but, the article that used it IS published in an academic journal so… anyways here’s some numbers…

According to this site, there are 54 million single people in the US. The total number of people who have tried online dating is almost 50 million. That is incredible. The online dating companies are becoming quite the lucrative business profiting about 2 billion per year collectively.

71% of the people surveyed believe in love at first sight (yes!), blonde is the most desired hair color for females at 32% followed by brown and black both at 16% (I’ll call that a half and half since those add up to 32) and guess what, 38% of women prefer “nice guys” and the top kind of preferred lady is the “modern career girl” at 42%.

(Statistic Brain, 2017)

For the full site and more info click here

Statistic Brain Research Institute. (2017, May 12 Published). Online dating. Retrieved from



I’m participating in NaNoWriMo this year. I’m eight days in, one thousand words behind, and I kind of want to cry. I don’t really want to give up, but this challenge is no freaking joke. Even for somebody who likes to write and has a pretty regular journaling habit.

For those of you who haven’t heard of it NaNoWriMo is short for National Novel Writing Month. Every November there is a semi-gimmicky writing program that urges aspiring writers to pledge to write 50,000 words in the month of November towards a novel draft. Check out the website here:

It’s totally free. You can sign up for a region, go to local meet ups and find inspiration and possibly some writing buddies. If you are doing it friend me…

LRyhs is my name, and please don’t judge me my title and synopsis are not the best, no picture either I’m basically just signed up to be buddies with the works peeps that are also writing this month.

50,000 words doesn’t sound so terrifying when you break it down its roughly 1600 words a day. Well, here’s my first word of advice…

Don’t get behind.

Just don’t please don’t it makes the whole thing too daunting. I took one day off yesterday while already 1,000 words behind. That meant today I was supposed to write 4,000 words. Which I didn’t do in fact, I only wrote about 3,000. It was easy to do though, as I had the day off and was able to hole up in a coffee shop for 3 hours mid-day, that helped. Tomorrow I’m still at the 1,000 lag plus my new 1600 for the day, and guess what, it’s almost tomorrow. Tomorrow just doesn’t stop coming in this challenge. There just comes a point in the day where your writing and attention turns to crap and you just should stop. I think I wrote a line to the effect of Lydia had large brown eyes, the gentlest eyes Nora had ever seen. This made me gag ever so slightly, and I made sure to highlight it and remind myself to go back and rework it later , and hung up my hat for the day.

That’s the thing, you can’t get in your own way here, and as much as you want to hit a number you should try at least, to not just be pumping out trite BS. I know what you are thinking, that’s not writing, that’s not creative, that’s encouraging people to just write garbage so they can hit an arbitrary number and convincing them that anybody can and should write.

Let’s look at it in a slightly less cynical light. NaNoWriMo is a great way to help people get started, to give people a glimpse into how much work the writing process is and to get them in a habit of writing daily, even when they don’t want to. Like starting a gym routine, it’s work, and unless you are some big name person, or a professional novelist this is work you are NOT getting paid for and there may be no external rewards for doing it, ever. But if you want to do it, do it, go for it. Do the work, don’t let anything stand in your way and find others who support you in this.

There are so many layers to writing a novel. The planning, research, mapping, outlining, then the actual writing. I mean the most I’ve ever written was in the 35,000-word range and not only did the writing of it take about four months, and the attempts at self-editing that followed the writing were just atrocious. There’s all kind of consistency issues, voice issues, syntax errors, jumbled grammar, notes to self I forgot to take out, so many things. Which direction was the store? What was that street name again? Do all the timelines match up and make sense? I think that I had like 3 different names for one character at some point and two different names for the same street. These are things that you don’t really think about if you’ve never done a long piece of fiction. I tried to get some pals to look at it for me, but that’s just asking way too much of somebody who already has way more important things to do than read your silly novella. But hey, you have to learn somewhere, and NaNoWriMo is a great way to do just that. To practice, to learn, and to DO something rather than just talking about it. There’s much respect in that.

The reason I committed to this one is that we are trying a pilot program at the U to see if the students are interested in something like this. We put everything together kind of last minute and it’s a bit all over the place but it hasn’t been shall we say “successful” as a program. There is a ridiculous amount of signage in the library, a display case, and a sign with upcoming events. A couple people came to the kickoff party, I wasn’t there to see it I had my job at the public that day, but so far, we have had 0 people show up to our drop-in events. I mean there’s myself, and my co-worker who showed up to write but we were staffing the events so does that count? I say yes, but only to beef up our numbers to 2. Sigh. I mean, it’s tougher in an academic library to do these kinds of programs. These students are already reading tons for their classes and working on midterms and projects and papers and all sorts of things. Maybe asking them to write in this crazy boot camp style just isn’t appealing to them. I thought that maybe we would have a taker or two, but not so far. Oh well, we learned and maybe there will be a next time, maybe not. I suppose the month is only about 1/3 over and anything can happen.

The struggle is real, but so are dreams and goals. There’s leg work, work and work, and more work. There’s mistakes, rejections, doubts, and breakthroughs. I think the trick here may be enjoying the journey, allowing yourself to be a beginner, and having fun while you are at it. I’ll keep you updated on the progress, god bless it if I finish I’m going to throw myself a party. Honestly, a party, even if it’s just me that shows up. I’ll invite the cat, who knows maybe he’ll wake up.

Wait, I just wrote my 1000 words. So what if it wasn’t part of the story, I’m giving myself the W for today.

image obtained from:


Ways to become a better Librarian Product…

I received news on Friday, after a very positive annual review that I am NOT going to be moved forward as a candidate for an open position here at the U. *Insert sting here* And let me tell you it hurt, a lot. I am convinced that truly, there is nothing worse than being an internal candidate.  This time, it was the fact that I wasn’t a strong enough candidate, and that I didn’t really “sell” myself, and that my application materials weren’t the best. I get it, I mean I really do.

After the news broke, and I sat in my boss’s office holding back tears because nobody wants to be the one to cry at work,  I went through my stages of internal grief. Sadness, anger, denial, hopelessness, back to anger. All the things that happen to you when something you were really hoping for falls through, or an opportunity or person leaves your life. But finally, this morning, after sweating it out and finding my inner buoyancy in hot yoga, I have reached.. acceptance.

Another big part of finding this acceptance, was writing out a semi-sarcastic, slightly passive aggressive list of things that I need to do to make myself for marketable so that I may “sell” myself on this job market that seems to not take well to me in these last couple of years. I will post it here to remind myself of the things that I can control, and how I can have fun and still be myself while navigating the “system”.

Things to do so that you can become better Librarian product/package and make that sale

  1. In December or January when things calm down, meet with archivist and write the article about the Digital collections. Hope to god it is good and gets published somewhere so that you have something you can write down on paper under your “publications” heading.
  2. By March 15th– Apply for the SCELC first time conference grant. First you have to choose which one you want to attend. This is for 7/1-12/31 so find something that is somewhere you’ve always wanted to go and that has good beer, maybe Colorado? Pray that somebody has mercy on you and gives you the award.
  3. Re-do everything because your resume is not academic, use the CV format. Think of how you will fill in all the parts that say conferences or committees since you have not been on any because you are too busy working two jobs to even scrape by and barely have enough money to live let alone spend 500$ on a conference that people go to just so they can have something to complain about (see above #2 might be the solution). Think about signing up for an online committee just so you can get your name on one (CARL was suggested). Once there, be apathetic about what you discuss, however try to ACT interested. Maybe you can get this done by March 15th as well.
  4. Find some class for LCC numbers OR metadata. Maybe both. Get the U to send you. This could actually be enjoyable so take your time and find the right ones.
  5. Maybe read more of the 30 weekly emails you get from the CALIX listserv, remember to add co lib-1 and lita-1 google ALA or CLA listservs and see how many emails you can flood your inbox with. At least 1 or 2 of them might lead somewhere that can make you more marketable on paper.
  6. Focus on the “goals” you set for yourself on your performance review. But remember, even if you hit them, nobody really will care but you. Get it through your thick skull that hard work within an institution doesn’t make you a stronger candidate if any positions open up.
  7. Stop taking it all so seriously and/or personally, and be happy with the jobs that you DO have and the people you have formed relationships with and how you have grown and can continue to grow. Remember why you are here in the first place. To help people, to connect them with the information and resources that can help them better themselves. Although these items 1-5 may seem forced and part of some gigantic game and sales pitch that you hate, you may have to do them anyways because they will make a better you in the long run. So chin up, shut up, and get going.

With that being said, now I think I can enjoy the rest of my Sunday, and I hope you do too.

One… is the loneliest number

Death cold has been going around at both the U and the public. What this means for somebody who is out there all day with these people who are sneezing, coughing and touching all the things that you touch it means, well. You are going to get sick. It’s inevitable. Just 10 minutes ago I had a kid cough directly into my La Croix, have to remember to NOT have them out on the desk when I’m on children’s.

With that being said, feeling that tired drag of the half sick working with demanding patrons is a drag. Then you are on hour 7 just thinking, I can’t wait to get home and just go to bed and eat soup and do nothing. Then you realized you have no soup because you’ve been too busy to shop. Then you realize you are too tired even now to do anything but go straight home, but dang, you really want some chicken soup. Then you realize there is absolutely nobody to call that will actually do this for you. Then you want your mommy. Then you realize you are an adult and your mom lives in a totally different state. Then you realize that wow, you actually ARE incredibly lonely even though you have been trying to fill that space with work, or self-improvement, or fictional characters in books and you think that if you just don’t do something about it now what if you look around and wake up and realize your 40 and nobody will even look at you anymore and your eggs have rotted out of your body and you’ll never have sex again and, and, well there it goes.

Another beautiful anxiety spiral. As I’m descending down, down and down I try to catalog books, which is a mundane task that usually keeps my mind away from that chatter. Then I come across this book:

Can I tell you about loneliness? A guide for friends, family, and professionals. By Julian Stern.

IMG_2337 - Copy

This is a book for our parenting section, for a parent to explain what loneliness is to a child who may be experiencing feelings of loneliness or separation from friends and family. I thought, hmm, why not read it? It was very helpful, and I could see how it could be excellent to read to a child who may feel like nobody gets it. I think the worst kind of loneliness is the one that we experience when surrounded by other people. The author explains it like this:

“Sometimes I feel lonely when there are lots of other people around. Then, it’s as everyone is happy except me, and none of them like me.” (Stern, 2001, p. 13)

It sounds so simple in the language of a child, but truly, I do believe that is how so many of us still feel today as adults. I guess the point of my story is, how do we help ourselves feel less lonely? The author suggest playing with a pet, going on a walk, or listening to music in a spot where you feel safe, like your room.

Another thing that loneliness drives us to today, more so as adults, is social media and dating apps. I will tell you that after 2 years I finally broke down and got on some dating apps last night. There is no more stigma to it anymore really, but what disappoints me is just in the 24 hours or so I have been on it I already have 80+ likes and have had some men with very suggestive screen names say ask me if I like to be adored. Well, I guess?

What it has done for me so far, other than to offer a bit of mild excitement, and the opportunity to be judged on a picture and a few short lines of a blurb is that there are so many people out there looking for something. Yes, yes, there are the creepos but I really feel a lot of these people on these sites but some are just normal everyday people that are looking for some kind of love or companionship or whatever. 80 something likes? Nobody even talks to me in real life, unless they want a book or an article, or help with some sort of tech stuff. Can we now only ever communicate to one another in an online platform where we can hide behind filters and quirky one line icebreakers? Maybe. I mean as I’m typing this I just got a message from some guy that just says one word… beauty. Should I be happy about this, I mean I guess it’s nice and all but it just feels like some sort of game, and in a way it feels sincere and in another, more believable way, it doesn’t. How many girls a day does this guy message, does that make a difference? Isn’t this what I wanted some attention, well brother here it is but is it the right attention? Right or wrong it may be the only kind of attention that dating millennials are able to get these days. Well, wish me luck, I’m sure you will be hearing more of it here.

Stern, J., & Lees, H. E. (2017). Can I tell you about loneliness?: a guide for friends, family and professionals. London: Jessica Kingsley .

I am strong, I am invincible, I am.. like a good cigar?

I don’t know if I have ever mentioned this before on my blog, but if you follow me on Instagram you would know that my latest obsession involves thumbing through periodicals from the late 60’s to mid-70’s and finding ads or news stories that stand out to me. Sometimes I take pictures and post them, sometimes I don’t, but mainly I do it because I find advertising so psychologically interesting. People who make ads literally get paid to get inside your head and make you want to buy things? How? Well, mainly sex, but there’s also hints of power, wealth, beauty, and excitement that are used to persuade. Most of the ads I find are for booze and cigarettes, which I find even more interesting as this kind of advertising I feel is much less prominent these days as we realized the health dangers associated with them.

Advertisements from popular magazines of this time period offer a peek into what America’s deepest desires were 50 years ago. Most of them seem similar to today, although I’m glad that in the last few decades we have moved a lot more towards equality and open mindedness. I’m not here to scrutinize these ads, or be mad about them and write scathing angry posts about the content. So if you get mad or fired up about the ad I am about to share, just know I am sharing this as an observer of today, 2017, who is indeed a strong independent female who does not condone sexism, racism, or any other kind of hate. When I see things like this, I try to see them from the perspective of knowing that even though we have a long way to go still, we have indeed come pretty far. You can’t change the past, but you can move forward from it and grow and that kind of progress can be inspiring.

Today I was thumbing through Newsweek, October 9, 1967. Now, at first I thought this was an article, but the look on the guys face is what really drew me in and made me want to read it. As I started reading, I realized that this is kind of a hybrid between and ad and a PSA from the Cigar Institute of America, which from a quick google either doesn’t exist anymore or has changed its name to “The Cigar Association of America” which is entirely possible. I also found that somebody on eBay is selling this exact ad that I am going to share with you for $4.99. I wonder if anybody will ever buy it, god I hope not.

IMG_2294 - Copy


I don’t know if you can read the wording… So I will transcribe the ad here:

The facts of life for new cigar smokers

Finding the cigar meant for you is no different than finding the girl meant for you. It pays to shop around a little before you settle down.

After all, there are 15 million cigar smokers in this country. Do you think all of them hit it off with the first cigar they tried?

Cigars, like women, come in all shapes, sizes, and blends.

Try a slim cigar for a while. Then try a more curvaceous one. You and the cigar should look good together.

Then try different priced cigars. As with love, money won’t necessarily buy happiness. A truly satisfying cigar doesn’t have to be a costly cigar.

Go forth then, play the field.

The cigar you carry close to your heart is right around the corner.

A boon companion that will make the small search more than worthwhile.

A smoke that will comfort you when you’re feeling low, relax you when you are tense.

Cigars never argue with you. Never lose their shape. Do not pack up and go home to mother. And are not economically ruinous.

Of course, finding the right cigar isn’t quite as rewarding as finding the right woman.

But then again, what is?

(Cigar Institute of America, 1967)

Oh man. So many things wrong with that, first of all a curvaceous cigar? Is that even a thing? I suppose there are some positive aspects here if you dig for them. First of all women ARE NOT, repeat, NOT like cigars. Women are not rolled up tobacco that you smoke as a symbol of your manhood or riches, or to calm your nerves, or whatever. Anytime you compare a person to an object it immediately De-humanizes it, so there’s that. But, then it reminds you that money isn’t everything when it comes to love, OK that’s fine. THEN, wait what? A cigar will never lose its shape or run home to mother OR wait for it…. Be economically ruinous? Jesus, really? Yeah and a cigar will never be your intellectual, emotional, or sexual companion or teammate so there’s that. A cigar will never better you as a person or global citizen by adding a sense of emotional intimacy, connection, and love to your life. Have you tried talking with a cigar? They are rather boring and uneducated, and their taste in music sucks. I suppose you could stick one up your … and derive some pleasure from that. You can be a lonely sad weirdo with rectal cancer from years of shoving cigars in places you shouldn’t, but hey you will still have your MONEY. Finally, the ad closes with saying: but hey, women aren’t cigars, and finding a great one is really the best reward there is. But wait, even that is slightly backhanded isn’t it? Sigh, just another ad sitting away in an old magazine on a quiet and dusty fourth floor periodical shelf, but something to think about on this slow Sunday.

Dr. Seuss and the perils of age

I was talking with one of my fellow librarians here at the U about the state of health care, and all the woes and headaches and billing and whatever we had both had issues with in the last couple of years as part time workers that have no employer provided health insurance. I won’t get into it here, the rant would be boring and painful to listen to, and nobody needs that today. However, there was one really good thing that came out of this conversation. She pointed me in the direction of a Dr. Seuss book that troubled her that it was shelved in children’s because she always felt it was really more for adults.

The book is called: You’re Only Old Once by Dr. Seuss and it’s hilarious. I see how she may think that it’s geared more towards adults as it takes you through a wild and unnecessary journey through a doctor’s visit including impossible tests, billing confusions, and a barrage of pills and prescriptions. Dr. Seuss was always one of my childhood favorites, and he’s just so good at disguising the fact that he’s addressing some pretty dark stuff with his use of silly phrases such as “Bus Driver’s Blight” or “Chimney Sweep’s Stupor”.  We don’t have the cover on it, but here’s a picture of one of my favorite scenes:

IMG_2262 - Copy

I would recommend reading this to anybody who has ever been confused or angered by Doctor’s practices, insurance and/or medical billing. Which I can only assume is everybody. I did notice that the front inner page appears to have been signed by the author, which would be rad if it was true. I don’t have a way to authenticate it, but a google search comparison makes it look like it’s possible. Similar copies that are signed are listed online for $350 and up, maybe we can move this one to the archives.

What do you think, real or fake?


Medieval thoughts…

Today I was doing some prep for a history instruction next Thursday and part of the instruction includes a library tour where I would show the class, generally, where to find the history books in the stacks as well as the reference section (for LCC that’s D-E-F) so easy enough. As I’m walking through trying to get a grasp of the natural progression I came across two very different but equally interesting books.

The first book I pulled is a true History style book called:  Life in Medieval Times by Majorie Rowling. I grabbed it partially because I was curious, and partially to make myself feel better about my own life as it is right now.

IMG_2119 - Copy

The second book I grabbed is called: Put Your Best Foot Forward USA: A fearless guide to Understanding the United States of America by Mary Murray Bosrock. I couldn’t resist the dorky looking 90’s cartoon cover, and the urge to know how to better understand “basic” American Culture 20 years ago, written to inform people who may be visiting the USA.

IMG_2118 - Copy

I had no idea what I was going to do with these. I did the flip open and try to find a passage, but nothing really worked. I flipped through the table of contents to see where and if there were any similar subjects and ended up with … Women. How different was it to be an American Woman in the late 90’s vs. a Woman in Medieval Europe? Let’s see…

Chapter 4 in Life in Medieval Times is entitled “Women and Wives”. Here are a few excerpts I found especially fun:

In the 14th century Goodman of Paris told his wife to “ copy the behavior of a dog who always has his eye and his heart upon his master; even if his master whip him and throw stones at him, the dog follows, wagging his tail…” (Rowling, 1979, p.72).

Doesn’t beating a dog eventually make him mean? I’m not sure, but I’m pretty happy that we aren’t being equated to dogs anymore.

In customary law in the 13th century a clause in the statues of a town in Glascony states: “All inhabitants of Villefranche have the right to beat their wives, provided they do not kill them thereby” (Rowling, 1979, p.72)

So there’s that….

As the chapter goes on let’s just say it doesn’t get much better. There are some sources in poetry and other writings that seem sympathetic to the causes of women, but overall it’s safe to say that women were just basically tools used by the men for their own gain at their own discretion. Which seems pretty dismal when you think about it. Most marriages were for monetary purposes and were arranged, but there were many accounts of happy ones as well. Marriage in the US today (even though mainly NOT arranged) probably fares no better than most unhappy some happy, but hey at least we get to make our own mistakes.

I’ve always wished that there was some sort of historical theme park like Westworld, not where you go to bang robots, but where you can go and actually experience what life was like back then down to what everybody smelled like. I wonder if this could be a thing for VR one day, but I digress.

Let’s take a peek at that USA “guide” book and see what it has to say about women in Chapter 21 named “Especially for Women” . It talks about how women make up half the workforce, the suffrage movements and other important events in women’s history. What I find the most interesting are the “tips” for working with women.

“Never call a woman dear or sweetie, or any similar terms in a business situation”

Well, that seems fair.

“The terms broad, dame, bird and chick are inappropriate in any situation”

Especially since it’s not 1950-something.

“Do not misinterpret American friendliness as a sexual invitation”

How friendly do some people get?

“Women do not consider it a compliment to be whistled at” (Bosrock, 1999, p. 244-5)

Yes, yes this is all pretty sound today. So what IS OK for men to do to women? The next section is called “chivalry” and lists these things as OK: Holding the door open, allowing women to enter or exit before you, walking ahead of a woman down stairs, walk next to a woman on the curb side of the street, remove your hat in their presence, rise when she leaves the room or a table, follow behind when walking down an aisle. (Bosrock, 1999)

I had an experience here at the U where I held a door open for a 18ish year old student that had his head down and his eyes glued on his phone. As he walked through the door that I held open for him he didn’t so much as look up to acknowledge my presence, or say thanks or anything at all. I yelled sarcastically at him like the sourpuss old lady that I am: “You’re welcome” but it’s not like he heard me since his ears were stuffed with earbuds. This was a bit shocking to me, as I found it to be so very rude that as I lady I held the door open for HIM and he didn’t even say thanks??? Some males of the generation right below me just don’t think about things like holding the door open for ladies or walking next to a curb to block a woman from traffic, they just weren’t taught these things. I only know this from casual observation I don’t mean to generalize but I do notice it walking around campus. Actually, it was kind of a show of equality that he didn’t think anything of a woman holding the door for him (still rude not to say thanks whatever gender you are) and today it is in no way thought of as weird for a woman to hold a door open for a dude, so really this lack of “chivalry” could be interpreted as a good thing. Chivalry may seem dead, but I’m even happier to report, so is the age of being treated like a dog or being beat (almost) to death by your husband and having it be totally legal.


Bosrock, M. (1999). USA: A Fearless Guide to Understanding the United States of America. St. Paul, MN: IES.

Rowling, M. (1979). Life in Medieval Times. New York: Perigee Books.